Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
