checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
