lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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