blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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