Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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