the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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