I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
