I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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