i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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