just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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