Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
