birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
