you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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