Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
