Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
