I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
