Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
And then he peed in my hair
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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