Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
