I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
