why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
