At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
