I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
a search helicopter?!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
