i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
