He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
