i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
