Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
