Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
