not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Go christen that room with your naked body.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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