Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
