Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
