He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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