I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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