with your own penis?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
