May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
