OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
