Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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