I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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