Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
