I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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