I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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