Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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