I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
