watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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