he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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