I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
