So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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