eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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