i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
