Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
