The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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